The Self that Hurts
Zen master Genpo Roshi recently posted a blog post that speaks directly to what we do in coaching.
The thing we are most attached to, of course, is what I call my self, which includes my ideas, notions and beliefs about who I am. So this “I” and whatever I call Me, My or Mine are the most difficult things to let go of or drop. As long as an idea or belief seems to be working for us and gives us some kind of benefit or reward, it is exceedingly difficult to let it go. We would actually rather be unhappy, miserable, even dead than face that an idea belief or notion we are attached to is wrong.
This may seem extreme, but take a look and see if it is not true for you. The world revolves around our identification with and attachment to deeply held beliefs which it would seem almost sacrilegious, heretical, antidemocratic or socially unacceptable to question. This is what makes true liberation so damned near impossible for us mortals, and yet any path that truly leads to a genuine liberation will force us followers of the Way to drop these deeply held beliefs, ideas, expectations and hopes. We will only drop them when holding onto them becomes more of a burden and painful than releasing them. This is what makes the path so difficult. – Genpo Roshi ,http://bigmind.org/blog/rather-right
As coaches, one of jobs is to provide the reasons that a client will start making new choices towards a new way of being. As Genpo points out – it is incredibly hard, almost impossible, to give up/let go of/move away from/make a new choice from the “self” that we currently believe is serving us. This current way of being HAS served us well, and we need to acknowledge and honour that aspect of ourselves.
But that is not all of us. We are much more than that limited conglomeration of beliefs and actions that has brought us to this point in our lives. Your clients come to when they are starting to feel that there is more that what they are currently experiencing in their lives. Yet, we need to remember what Roshi is saying – that we’d often rather be unhappy, miserable, even dead before making a new choice towards a new way of being.
Creating the means to show our clients that there are other choices that actually do not limit their already held beliefs, and the bounty that their “self” has created, yet actually free them to wider and deeper expressions, is what we do as coaches.
When people are really ready, meaning they are feeling the constriction of their current way of being really tightly in their lives, then sometimes this can be a simple move to a new choice. Yet, when the power of the old self – the current way of being – is strong and pervasively convincing, our work can include really showing the client the deep pain they are actually experiencing because they are not making those new moves. In both cases, as coach, compassion must guide be part of how we move. For, give it a bit of time, and it will be us stuck in the vice of the self. 
Hey James,
This quote is nicly picked and strongly speaks to my current level of understanding world.
I would like to point out the part of Genpo’s qoutation that you provided the link for and did not put in here.
As the final relieve of this painful suffering does not come from chosing a new wider way of being, but from the realization that the hurting can be avoided if no self is chosen.
Roshi wrote: “And yet the third Chinese Patriarch tells us the Way is not difficult — if only we follow his advice: simply avoid picking and choosing. The problem is we continually want and need to be right about what we believe to be true. This is what creates so much of our suffering. When we simply allow everything to be as it is without our notions of right and wrong, good or bad, this or that, the Way is not difficult.”
http://bigmind.org/blog/rather-right
This is the important paradox Zen move that help us grow beyond our finite self-sense.
Thanks for putting this up, James.
Borris
Thanks Borris for adding in this extra part.
As a Profound Coach, it is important to realize that we are watching that aspect of our clients that “continually wants and needs to be right about what we believe to be true.” – That is their current way of being.
We assist our clients see the manner in which they are stuck within this cycle of existence – aka suffering – and then provide the choice for them to find a larger domain to live, love, and express within – a new way of being.
AND, so importantly, at the same time, a Profound Coach does his or her best to realize that they also have manner in which s/he “continually wants and needs to be right about what we believe to be true.” As a coach, we train ourselves, learn more, study, etc – in order to provide the best services to our clients. In that way, we want and need to be right; otherwise we wouldn’t be very good at our job. As long as we realize the truth of that while providing an open space of possibility for our clients, then we can act as unbiasedly as possible in the development of our client’s programs.
Many challenges and conflicts arise with different schools of praxis within the coaching world for that exact reason – We all want to be right, it is what allows us to feel credible and worthwhile in our existence, in our life, and in our work as a coach. Yet, regardless of the school, style, or method of coaching that you subscribe to and practice – the finger only helps us see the moon.